2023

 Wow time flies eh? 2023 liao

Still in the same job for almost 5 years.

Not saying it's a bad thing, im actually quite thankful for this stable job during the covid years.

I came here to post again maybe cos im really really sad and i dont wanna burden anyone with my small problems.

Idk.. Im questioning my career again

The only thing that motivates me at work are friends, and theyre leaving to another place one by one.

Im just sososo sad all of a sudden.

Idky also.. And my period's over.. So cannot be hormones right.

Is like suddenly feeling uselesss

Like why i cant communicate to people better.

Why cant i do simple stuff like crack an egg.

Sigh

Sometimes i question myself, why do i even exist.

Or why did i survived the choking of vit C when i was young.

Why did i survive the pool

Then when i think about that i owe my parents sth that i can nvr return cos they saved my life. And that makes me feel even more of a burden.

Such a burden kid.

I know its no use to think abt this, and i should just do sth about it and be a btr person.

But idk its hard cos when u feel this way, its hard to motivate urself to do stuff and be btr.

Plus there are other ppl having it worse than me, 我怎么有资格 feel this way leh? 

Idk

Im feeling extremely down and i cant slp.

Maybe i just need someone to tell me

"Issokay to be a useless shit"

"Issokay, ure still contributing to society by providing co2 to the plants for photosynthesis"

tmr i needa overtime 2 hrs

But issokay. 

Got more money right?

2020

It's 2020 lo!

Had some time and went to look at this blog again, realised there's a lot of emo posts :O
2019 is over, it was ok i guess, better than 2018 i think?
Gotten more used to work, but there are still some things I cannot ying fu, that I need help with.
I'm very grateful and thankful for their help, although I'm not good in expressing my thanks.
but deep down, im really really really thankful, esp those that have seen the little good in me haha.
Shit la I'm so easily touched hahaha.

Anyway new yeaar! everyone hopes that the new year will be better... but hor got a lot of world stuff that's happening.
The Australia fire, Wuhan virus, WW3 thingy, Kobe's death.
It's only January eh!
ok la but now is 1 feb.

but oh well, they say the wuhan virus got some positive things cos the ww3 thingy kinda cooled off, the hk protesters also kinda cooled off, etc etc.

i wanna give up

I regret going this path
its not for me

i really dont wanna meet people
i cant
i dk how to overcome it
shld i see a doctor for this?
but i dont wanna spend money on

I wanna give up

i know i should work harder
but i dont know what's the point
i cant even cut a fish to serve people, how do i even help ppl
lol.. i know thats irrelevent

what am i doing with my life

i cant even help myself how do i help people

but i dont wanna burden people with such small problems.

i cant help but think im  useless
i knowing saying that about myself doesnt help myself get better

but thats all i know how to do...

im losing confidence everyday cos everything i do is wrong, giving wrong info, saying the wrong things..

if im quiet im wrong, if i talk im also wrong, cos i say wrong stuff


tian ah, why am i even born when i cant even do stuff right

one sided

back here to rant lol
this blog's suppose to be about lazy tips but it turned out to be my ranting blog lol.
I don't have anyone that I can tell problems to mah..
but my problems are small anyway.. so dun wanna tell ppl to burden them lor.
or it may seem small to them but it really affects me greatly...

but in this post i shall not rant about sad stuff, i shall rant about my secret lol

and i kinda have a secret that ive been keeping in me that's tearing me apart... lol it may sounds stupid to you, but idky it's mentally torturing the hell out of me.

so the secret is...


i dont swing that way...
hais i still cant say the actual words... maybe bcos i cant accept myself.

I dont wanna tell anyone about this is because i feel that it's not important?
cos i dont think ill ever go into it? but i cant stop my feelings. i hate that i fall to easily..
but i dont think i fall easily to anyone leh.. in poly i didnt to anyone eh.
I think i fall for ppl who care about me.. and those who respond to my lameness..?idk i still cant understand.
but i hope it's puppy ai and i hope that i can get over it soon cos it hurts when... nvm

I sound so dumb right hahaha

somemore wo dont hv the looks and the brains, where got zi ge go and like ppl or even ppl to like me back dui bu dui?

What's the problem with me

I don't know what's wrong with me...

I feel that I'm not normal. ok it's obviouisly im not, by the way i behave.
I have difficulty interacting with ppl and i dont know how to explain it.

Sometimes i think I might be autistic, but then I dont think I am, cos i'm not smart.
Autistic ppl are super smart and talented.

maybe i'm just weird

U know there's a saying you gotta love yourself first before others can.

but it's so hard.. cos im starting to believe im not normal
and bcos of that im scared to go out wtih frens, scared to walk with them, bcos i dont wanna embarass them.

i'll walk behind or infront..

im trying to tell myself that everyone is different, and it's ok to be weird.

I hate it that in public I'll randomly think about stuff and unknowingly talk or nod to myself.
and my fren saw it and thought it was retarded.. and i was quite affected by it even though i know that she was joking.

do i notice i do these weird stuff? ofc i do.. but idk why i do this. 


im not so insecure before... idk why nowadays i start to feel like this.
I wanna find my old self back

Lazy

To be hardworking , motivation is needed
But i got no motivation

So sometimes it’s not bcos we’re lazy, it’s becos we’re unmotivated.

Excuses.

Oh well happy bday to me.
But idk why these days i feel sour.

Sad that things are not the same anymore..
kinda miss the late night chats....

Ah well lets not think abt sad things today!

unexplained sadness

It's suppose to be merry christmas..
however I'm not merry..

today I knew about how bad my horoscope luck is next year...

and next year is kind of a crucial year...
I really dk if I can make it.. im actually very stressed about it but i try not to think about it.

do you know the feeling where you cant talk to anyone about your worries cos u think that its not a big worry so u shouldnt trouble others?

I know if i tell others they will just say it's a small matter.

it's a smaall matter but idk how to solve it
i just dk how to communicate. why am i so insecure

why did i even walk into this
why did they even accept me in this
why did i even sign it.

Idk man my horoscope says that I would be prone to insomnia and depression next year  lol
I somehow know that my career life will be a struggle. i dont even know if i can graduate.

and the sad part is i have to face it alone cos i dun wanna burden ppl.. esp the person that is going to be my future collegue...
our friendship has not been as good as before... and i hv a feeling that when we start work it will get worse because of my character.

and today... when u got a chance to use wa.. it's like you dont wanna talk to me
maybe youre tired,  well u hv other friends...i guess they are better 
and u both are online at the same time again~
I just hope that it's not true
if not ill really be.. idk man


when friendship becomes like this, I'll always blame myself.. isit me? isit cos i cant speak up, isit cos im boring
it's so hard to try to think about fuunny stuff to reply to show that i'm ok and im not sad
but lucky it's easy to hide it in text..
lucky it's the holidays where i can escape reality for abit
lucky my family is home this week and i can disturb my mei to lighten my mood

but do you know the feeling when u feel alone even though there's many ppl around you?


why am i even sad abt this...
it's a small matter right?
maybe im just childish hor?

Im really not looking foward to next year..

I just hope i have the strength to move on.